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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25388593">The Minivan Story</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Find_Me_Calling_You/pseuds/Find_Me_Calling_You'>Find_Me_Calling_You</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Call Me By Your Name (2017) RPF</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Everyone Is Gay, Fluff, Humor, M/M, Mild Smut, Minivan, Shopping, and therefore sassy, like not even really, more hinted at smut, sassy Timmy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 12:08:02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,258</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25388593</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Find_Me_Calling_You/pseuds/Find_Me_Calling_You</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>What color Honda Odyssey screams 'gay dads?' And why do we need a vacuum in a minivan?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Timothée Chalamet/Armie Hammer, there's another tiny pairing mentioned in passing but I don't want to chase anyone away</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>64</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>The Minivan Story</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I...don't even know where this came from. This is like stupid fluff level goofy with a healthy helping of silliness so just ignore me.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“Crystal Black. It’s cleaner, sleeker, more modern!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But the Deep Scarlet looks so good with the mocha leather! It’s a good combo.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“The mocha leather is dumb looking.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re dumb looking.” Armie mutters and Timmy throws a tortilla chip at him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well someone pushed me into a pool so forgive my hair for not being perfect.” Timmy tosses an unruly strand of fluffy curls out of his face, sticking his tongue out to make a point. “I could tolerate the Lunar Silver.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Of course, because you would pick the most generic, trendy color.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“At least I’m not set on that flashy red. I mean, could we scream gay dads a little louder?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m bi, thank you, and who says being gay dads is a bad thing?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Armie, Timmy,” Tyler sing-songs into the room, dropping his ass on the coffee table with little regard for the bowl of guacamole he misses by mere centimeters. “You’re getting the platinum white, so Timmy can have something sleek and modern, but Armie, you’ll still have your mocha interior.” Armie glances over to Timmy, watching those expressive brows as the younger man pouts. “Besides, it’s the best color for me to paint on if you ever want me to customize it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Armie isn’t so sure about how a rainbow neon splatter painted minivan is going to be less flamboyantly gay than a red one, but Timmy seems intrigued by the prospect and at this point, Armie could settle for having a Ramseyfied minivan if it saved him from a fucking </span>
  <em>
    <span>beige</span>
  </em>
  <span> interior.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Does it have to be a Honda though?” Timmy cocks his head slightly, staring at the iPad screen. Armie would want to tear his hair out but he really doesn’t have enough of it at this point. He loves Timmy wanting to be so involved in picking out their new family car but they had literally just reached a compromise.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s going to be a Honda, and it’s going to be either an Elite or a Touring model, and absolutely nothing else, are we clear, Timmy Tim?” Nick marches into the room in nothing but his swim trunks, Archie trailing behind him in a tie-dyed doggie shirt. Armie kind of doesn’t want to know what prompted Nick to tie dye everything in sight but if it’s the same righteous fury he used to make it very clear to Timmy that no way in fucking hell was he going to those protests alone, he’s total cool with it. Even if seeing it in effect now over a minivan is weird as hell.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And why do you care so much?” Timmy scowls up at Nick, looking less impressed when Nick settles into the arm of the couch next to him and traps him in a headlock. That Timmy and Nick had developed such a strong brotherly relationship in quarantine settled Armie’s heart more than he expected it to. He trusts them both unconditionally, but lock his gorgeous 24-year-old lover up with his annoyingly hot and very gay best friend, and he can’t say he didn’t have the occasional moment of insecurity.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Because little Timo, there are two and only two minivans on the market with a built in vacuum cleaner, the Odyssey, and the Pacifica, and Chryslers are absolute shit.” Nick pats Timmy’s head as he releases them. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“A vacuum?” Nick had heavily lobbied Armie towards the Odyssey with the reviews, reliability, safety ratings, all the usual goodies but this was new info. “Why do we need a vacuum in the minivan?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tyler snorts into his virgin daiquiri and Timmy dives to save the guacamole from being dangerously close to the edge of the table as the older man doubles over laughing. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What?” Timmy looks about perplexed as Armie feels as Nick gives them that smile he gets when he’s obviously screaming inside his head but playing nice in social settings.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Timo, you haven’t been with the kids for an extended stretch, and Armie babes, you worked way too much last year, so who do you think has been taking care of the kids?” They all knew very well it was most definitely not Elizabeth. The only time she ever wanted the kids anywhere near her was to pose them for Instagram or treat Harper like a doll.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Um...you?” Timmy has bigger balls, metaphorically, than Armie has ever had. This would be the point where he typically would just say ‘yes Nick, we’re getting a Honda.’</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Bingo. And how many times do you think I cleaned exploded lunches, craft kits with a thousand pieces, or other child shrapnel out of the Range Rover?” Armie cringes but Timmy apparently is completely unimpressed by Nick’s frustration.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“At least 365.” Timmy answers and Armie can’t contain a snort at the sass his boyfriend is giving his lifelong bestie. Tyler does fall off the table laughing this time as Nick finally cracks a genuine smile and swats Timmy’s arm.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Brat.” Timmy beams and turns his body into Armie’s tucking himself under the blonde’s arm.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Mm, guilty as charged. Maybe I need a spanking.” Armie chokes on his own saliva when Timmy leans in to nibble his neck and Tyler howls with all new laughter at the look of exasperation on Nick’s face.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Could you two stop fucking for like half an hour?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s been at least 45 minutes!” Timmy whines and crawls into Armie’s lap. Armie just rolls his eyes skyward and wonders when exactly all this craziness became his new life. His awesome new life, but still.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I doubt that, but how’s this? Get the Honda. If that vacuum isn’t needed in the first thirty days, I buy you a brand new minivan and keep that one for me. If you do need it, you owe me a case of Gaja.” Nick raises an eyebrow and Timmy sighs heavily.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Fine. Now will you go away? I want to fuck my boyfriend.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“This is my house!” Tyler protests but Nick grabs his arm, tugs him off the floor.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Let the kids be in love. I have something I want to show you outside.” Nick’s smiling like he’s in on a secret with Tyler.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What do you...OH! Yeah, uh, with the um, hot tub.” Tyler fumbles and lets a giggling Nick steer him out of the room. Timmy’s shaking with laughter in his lap and Armie is mildly confused before it dawns on him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are they…? But Jacquie…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Is a willing participant. I’ve overheard enough that all three parties are quite satisfied.” Timmy supplies and Armie’s torn between scandalized that Timmy’s overheard his friends fucking and just processing that his friends are fucking.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Before Armie can get too far into his thoughts, Timmy leans up, kisses him deeply and they melt into the couch, the iPad showing their new minivan falling to the floor.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They end up needing the vacuum exactly twelve days after purchase. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Armie takes Timmy to a retro drive-in movie theater and halfway through the film, Timmy crawls across the center console and into his lap and in their haste to move through the car to the backseats where the windows are tinted much darker, they end up spilling popcorn and junior mints fucking </span>
  <em>
    <span>everywhere</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Timmy mutters and swears as he hands Nick one of his stupid $600 bottles of wine.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But the kids aren’t even home yet, how did you...y’know what, I don’t want to know!” Tyler says, throwing his hands up as Armie blushes and despite their bet, Nick and Timmy lean on each other as they dissolve into laughter.</span>
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